Somerset-Sproats

I attended the August meeting of the Royal Saarloos Wolfhond Association of Great Britain in the hope of continuing my interview with the elusive Captain Katherine Twomey-Fosnot.

I had been told by my sources that she rarely missed a meeting, although it was impossible to know if the Captain was even in the same century these days - let alone country.

Suddenly, I heard a voice call out from show grounds:

"Clarabelle! Clarabelle stop that at once! You know you are only supposed to savage grey squirrels!"

I was in luck. Captain Twomey-Fosnot might not have been in sight, but if my sources were correct I had found someone who might be able to answer a few questions for me.

Excuse me, are you Lieutenant-Commander Sabastian Somerset-Sproats?

Eh? What? Maybe I am, boy, what's it to you?

I'm not a boy, sir, I'm --

What's that? Then why are you wearing trousers?

What? They're jeans. Anyway --

Who's Jean, and why should I care if you are wearing his trousers? Why are you wearing his trousers, anyway? Seems like a dashed silly thing to do.

No, I'm not... I'm a reporter for Fictitious Monthly and I was wondering if I might be able to ask you some questions --

Fictitious Monthly? Never read it. It's a load of tosh and balderdash.

Our readers may disagree. Anyway, I was wondering if I could ask you some questions about Captain Katherine Twomey-Fosnot?

Tomey-Fosnot! That jumped up tramp? You know the woman had the gall to join the Australian Infantry just so she could ride a horse all day and call herself a 'captain'? 'Captain' my foot! I'll tell you what she is: she's a little tart who doesn't know the right place for a woman.

I thought you--

You know, she has a nasty habit of wearing trousers, too.

Whatever. I had heard a rumour that the two of you were engaged. I take it this isn't true?

Engaged? Hah! Tosh! I wouldn't touch that woman with a barge pole. I'll tell you something for nothing, young man--

I'm not a--

I wouldn't share the time of day with Twomey-Fosnot if not for that dog of hers. That Jonathan is a fine specimen, and I hope to breed him with my Clarabelle. Can you imagine the litter! A fine pair they would make. Truly fine.

Ah, okay --

I mean, really, me and Twomey-Fosnot! Can you imagine it?

Not really, sir. I'm sure she actually has some sort of class.

Eh? What?

Thank you for your time, sir.

So my attempts to find out more about Captain Twomey-Fosnot's role with the Harris & Byrne Book Detective Agency proved fruitless on this occasion.

I saw some nice Sarloos Wolfhonds, though...

An Interview With Captain Twomey-Fosnot

The following interview took place on the moors near Captain Katherine Twomey-Fosnot's spacious estates. For some reason, she insisted on walking her dog, a saarloos wolfhond named "Jonathan", while conducting the interview.

Captain Katherine Twomey-Fosnot, thank you for agreeing to this interview
Oh, please, call me "Penny" - positively everyone does.

Really? Why?
You know, I don't rightly know...

Okay. Well, your fans have been dying to hear about your latest adventures. Is it true you've retired from the armed forces?
Yes, quite true. It was fun for a time, but I really only joined so I could earn the rank of captain. They were threatening to promote me to major, so I positively had to leave.

I see. What part of the armed forces were you in, again?
The Light Horse Brigade.

I thought that was Australian?
Most people do.

And, is it?
Oh, indubitably. I did so try to encourage Britain to take up the concept, but the British army simply isn't interested in the model. More's the pity - it was highly effective during the Boer War, you know. And the early 20th Century form of combat is particularly suited to my sporting background.

Ah, yes. I remember you competed on a national level in... what was it again?
Modern Pentathlon. Running, shooting, swimming, fencing and horse riding - very invigorating, I must say. That was in the Summer, of course. During the Winter I competed in the Biathlon for the Danish national team.

Oh, are you part Danish?
Oh, heavens no! But don't tell anyone.

Ah, I see. So, now you are working for the Harris & Byrne Book Detective Agency?
Yes, that's right. I'm always up for a new challenge, what ho!

What exactly do you do, working for a Book Detective Agency?
Oh, some people might find it a bit boring, I suppose. People write into the agency with literary puzzles - problems with books and what not. For example, if a book leaves loose ends or contains unanswered questions and ambiguities. That sort of thing. I then go to a lot of libraries and archives and sort through manuscripts, personal effects, hand written notes and correspondence to see if I can find the answer. Then sometimes I use a time machine to go back and talk to the author.

Really?
Oh, but only if they absolutely cannot be contacted by séance. Time travel is such a messy thing. It's always awkward when you accidentally overshoot your mark and you find yourself talking to an author about a book they haven't written yet.

Yes, I can see how that would be awkward. Have you made any startling discoveries in the course of your work so far?
Well, I had a perfectly fascinating talk with Mary Shelley about exactly how Dr Frankenstein created his monster. It turns out he -- Jonathan! Jonathan, leave that duck alone! No, stay out of that pond! I'm so sorry but you'll have to excuse me. It has been so very amusing talking to you.

Um, thank you for your time.

Captain Twomey-Fosnot ran off after her dog, and never returned. The interview was terminated, and it took me half-an-hour to find my way back to the car.