The People's Friend

I've been in a bit of a short story mood at present, so I bought a copy of The People's Friend for the lordly price of $3 from my local news agency.  I swear that's the cheapest magazine I've bought for the past five years.  Actually, I should be honest and admit that I didn't buy it at all - I asked my mother to pick up a copy the next time she went shopping.

Anyway, it's actually the first time I've ever actually "bought" a copy of The People's Friend.  I usually just find them in laundromats.  And, if I recall correctly, usually in Tasmania.  Pretty much every time I've spent quality time in a laundromat in Tasmania, I have done so in the company of an ancient copy of The People's Friend.

It always amazes me that they look exactly the same.  It doesn't seem to matter if I've found a copy from the early 1990s or from last year, they still look like they were designed by the same production company, probably at the same point in the space-time continuum.  Even the ads in my current copy look exactly like the ads I've seen in 25 year old issues.  I swear, mail order clothes simply don't change...

Although, my current issue does contain far too many "illustrations" that are actually photoshoped stock photos.  Really?  Is it entirely necessary to use modern technology to create images that look like they came from the 80s?  Old school images should be done old school, dammit.  If you're going to use photos, then just use photos.  Having said that - don't use photos.  Just pay someone with a pencil to draw something.  It looks better.

I am enjoying the magazine.  I'm reading it in breaks between reading and writing about "serious" short stories - which is probably the only reason why I haven't started hating short stories as a result of my research.  Literary Criticism sucks the joy out of things - and the "modern short story" is a fairly joyless thing to start off with.  Soooo much arty-farty "I'm a serious writer writing about serious art" crap.  At least the stories in The People's Friend are always pleasant.

I just feel as if I should start eating scones and wearing tweed (the material, not the perfume) while reading them...

"Whoever owns Berlin..."

When I was on a bicycle tour through Berlin last year, the tour guide said something about an old phrase that went something along the lines of "whoever owns Berlin owns the world."  That wasn't it, exactly, and I can't remember who said it, but that was the basic sentiment - that Berlin was really the heart of Europe, and that's why everyone from Napoleon to Hitler to Stalin wanted a piece of it.

That was why the West couldn't let the Soviets have Berlin entirely, even though it fell entirely within their chunk of occupied Germany, which, in turn, is why the whole Berlin Wall thing even happened.  If Berlin had been handed over holus-bolus to the Russians, along with the rest of East Germany, I wonder how the last 50 years of history would have played out?  No one sneaking from East to West, no need to put up a honking wall in 1961, no "divided Berlin" to take up so much cultural and socio-political space...

I wonder if Germany would have stayed divided?  I've just been reading about how both Germanies were doing remarkably well once they got the ball rolling.  West Germany was one of the big players in Western Europe and East Germany was one of the more successful communist states (all things considered).  If Bonn was well and truly the capital of the West, and Berlin well and truly the capital of the East, I wonder if they would have held on to their separate identities for longer?

"I was born in distant 1980" (that's a Eurovision reference, for those playing at home), and when I was growing up it seemed to me like Germany had always been like that.  The whole West vs East thing was just how things were (right?) and there were just two Germanies.  I did a school project on West Germany at one point, and East Germany was a completely different country at the time (all together now:  "well, duh!").  It never actually occurred to me that this was a recent thing - a set of events that had all taken place within my grandmother's lifetime.  It's only been recently that I've come to fully appreciate how brief the whole thing was.

The Germanies I grew up with had really only been around since the Wall went up and changed the face of the world.  Then, less than 30 years later, it was down again.  It seemed so permanent at the time, but it was really just a blip in history.  So much more had happened before.  So much more will happen afterwards.

One hundred years from now, how will people see that whole, weird century?  With it's wars and madmen and power blocks and attempts to divide the whole world?  All of it so momentous, and so brief.  I wonder how much we would care - even today - if it wasn't for movies and documentaries keeping things fresh in our minds?  Ask your 15 year old if he even knew there were once two Germanies - I'd be interested to know.

Banjolele

I have recently purchased a banjo ukulele.  I didn't actually set out to do that, it just sort of happened.  I dropped by a music shop to see if they had some ukulele books worth buying (answer:  heck yeah!  A book of 250 songs ranging from "Ring of Fire" to "Echo Beach"), and noticed they had a really nice looking banjo ukulele with the ukes.

This thing cost more than my banjo and ukulele put together, but there are somethings you see and you just think "this belongs in my life", so I bought it.  I had toyed with the idea of a baritone uke, and this is still a concert size, but hey...

I'm a ukulele player now.  I wasn't expecting this.  If you had asked me a couple of years ago if I played the ukulele, my answer would be:  "Why would anyone do that?"  But, now I play the ukulele.  Now I own a banjo ukulele.  Now I play "Ring of Fire" on a banjo ukulele.  This is who I am these days.

I'm not a terribly good uke player - I just mumble through with a few chords - but it brings me pleasure.

Car!

I can pick it up next week!  My weeny-looking girly van will soon be sitting in my driveway!

I don't like these options

So, here's where things stand at the moment:

I decided that I could handle three subjects a trimester this year if I switched to part time.  I have previously been able to manage two subjects while working full time, I couldn't see that this year would be significantly different.  I figured I could take the last three subjects to finish off the DipModLang while taking three subjects to round out the first year of the MAAL.

I discovered a slight problem, though:  I'm not good enough for one of the subjects.  I took "business German" for the sake of growth, but I haven't "grown" enough in the past two years to be able to take it in my stride (instead, I'm stumbling after it in a strange, limping manner).

It's going to take twice as much time and effort as I had predicted.  I possibly would be okay with the juicy new challenge, except that I've cut things too tight and I'm not good enough to cope with a subject that's soooo much more of a challenge than I was expecting.

I realised this in Week 2.  I quickly took a look at the other German Language subject I could have been doing instead of this one, and worked out that it was more within my current abilities.  I could catch up on that subject more easily than I can keep up with this one.  I asked the coordinators of both if I could switch.  I spent most my study time that week getting a leg up on the new subject.  I went to enroll in the new subject...

Only to be told it wasn't permissible.  The University of New England (UNE) does not allow subjects to be added to your enrollment after Week 1.  You can dump a subject, but you can't take on a new one.  It doesn't matter if you're only in the 3rd week of lectures and haven't had any assessment to complete yet.  It doesn't matter if your subject coordinators think it's entirely fine.  If you hadn't decided to change in Week 1 you don't get to change at all.

This is several shades of stupid.  You don't know what a subject is like in Week 1.  You can't make an informed decision about whether you have chosen the correct stream based on what you discover about a subject in Week 1.

I was informed, in no uncertain tones, that unless I had been the victim of a natural disaster there would be no flexibility on this.  I either stayed enrolled in this subject or not - there was no chance I would be able to take the other subject at all.

Problem with this is that the subjects in Trimester 1 are prerequisites for subjects in Trimester 2.  Even if they weren't, I can't make up this subject next Trimester - it's just not physically possible.  So, this means I either do this subject (which I'm not smart enough to do without a tutor - and if I'm going to hire a tutor, I may as well just drop the course and study privately), or I add another year to my degree.

That's right, folks.  If I decide that I'm not going to spend time and money on a subject that is not right for me, I can't graduate this year.  This is despite the fact that there is another subject I actually could be doing if I was only allowed to enroll. Thank you, University of New England.

So, these are my options:

1. I push ahead, even though that would cause all three of my subjects to suffer as I will be struggling with one so much that I'll be stealing time from the others.  I don't like this option.
2. I unenroll in the problem subject and change next Trimester's subject to the only other subject I will be physically capable of enrolling in (film studies - which wouldn't be too bad, but it means I will be missing out on a Trimester's worth of language education), and then complete one of the language subjects next year, when I was supposed to be concentrating fully on completing a Masters degree.  I don't like this option.
3. I unenroll in the problem subject, and just don't enroll in anything else.  I finish the short stories subject (because I've been looking forward to doing it for the past two years) and then terminate my enrollment in the DipModLang - thereby dropping out of a three-year course halfway through third year just because I wasn't allowed to change subjects in Week 3 of Trimester 1.  I don't like this option.

Thank you, University of New England.  Your care and attention to the needs of your students is... let's say "exemplary".

Carlike things

CORRECTION:  throughout this post I refer to the van as an AVP.  It's actually an APV.  This probably means it stands for All Purpose Vehicle, or something quite boring.

So… I put a deposit on a Suzuki AVP.  I haven’t even taken one for a test drive.  All I know is it’s got a good reputation and it’s a van that fits into the footprint of a car.

It’s a weeny-looking girly van.  Or a blokey-looking station wagon trying to pass itself off as a van.  With only two seats.  I’m trying to work out if that makes it “sport”.  Don’t cars become “sports something-or-other” if they are rendered useless for any more than one passenger?  Doesn’t “sports” actually mean “not as useful as other vehicles”?

I’m sure that’s the case.  “Sports cars” are not as useful as other cars.  “Sports wagons” are not as useful as other wagons…

What does “AVP” stand for, anyway?  “Automobile, Vanlike but Petite”?  “Actually, it’s a Vanette, you Ponce”?  “Armadillo with Variegated Paws”?

Importantly, it’s a van that costs $20,000 less than the other vans I was considering.  This means it’s much more affordable to invest $3,000-$4,000 in having extra seats installed.  Because, what I really want in life is a station wagon that can convert into a van at a moment’s notice.

No, seriously – that actually is exactly what I’ve been looking for over the past three months.  I want a transformer that changes from being a car into being a different kind of car.  The robot option would be cool, but not entirely practical (what with the constant battles between the Autobots and the Deceptacons, I’d probably never get to drive it*). 

I want a people mover with back seats that transforms into a van with no backseats.  The Volkswagen Caddy seems to be the only model that actually does that on purpose, but it’s also what I like to call “not exactly cheap”.  It’s cheaper than others, but not cheap.  The AVP is what I call “rather affordable, really”.  Maybe AVP stands for “As Vans go, reasonably Priced”?

The dude at the local Suzuki shop told me they wouldn’t get any in for six months.  I was on the verge of buying one on the Gold Coast, flying down and driving it back when I phoned the guy back and said: “are you sure?”  Turns out, he wasn’t.  They actually had one due to arrive in two weeks.  It was even the colour I wanted.  The thing only comes in two colours:  white and invisible-when-raining (they call it “silver”).  The AVP on the Gold Coast was invisible-when-raining, and I was hoping to avoid that, but I wasn’t going to fly all the way to Sydney to buy a white car.

I said:  “I’ll take it!”  He said:  “Okay!”  Then he called me back and said:  “Whoops, sorry, we’ve already sold that one.  There’s another due to get here in early April”.  I said:  “Is it white?”  He said:  “Yes, I believe so.”  I said:  “I’ll take it!”  He said:  “Okay!”

So a month from now I should have a new car.  My car.  Bought with my own money.  Which I earned by working in a real job.  I feel like such a grown up.  I mean, sure I don’t have a house, husband, children or anything resembling a life – but a month from now I will have my very own car.

I have to think of an appropriate name for a weeny-looking girly van.  I’m thinking “Vanette”…

* I’d love there to be a third race of Transformers who are like the Wombles of the Transformer world.  Peaceful, pottering around and more interested in making stuff from scrap than the ultimate battle between good and evil.  They’d be the Passivotons, who think the Autobots and Deceptacons should really get over this constant fighting nonsense and do something useful for a change – like actually providing a transport service, rather than just looking like cars and planes. 

When the Passivotons transform, they’d turn into power tools and garden implements (which would mysteriously be the right size for humans to use, even though in their robot form they would be a fraction larger than humans…)

Actual conversations

*Sneeze*
"Sorry, I'm a bit Sneezy today.  You can be Grumpy, and he's Dopey."