So, I've been looking for a property of my very own for quite some time now, and I haven't found anything that I'm willing to pay for.
I very nearly did - I put an offer on a house and was accepted and everything - but then the building and pest inspection came back with a few problems, and I said to myself "I don't want to buy those problems", so I didn't.
I have a slight problem with this whole "buying a house" thing, in which I keep thinking meaningful thoughts about money, and it makes everything much less attractive.
My standards with this, as they are in most things in life, are too high.
I want a house that looks and feels like a nice place to live, that doesn't have any major structural damage, which would be practical for my life style and have good connections to work so that I'm not actively discouraged from riding to work occasionally. Oh, and I'd like it in a neighbourhood that does not appear to have anyone running a chop-shop or a drug den in the street.
I'd also like it to have enough space in the yard so that I wouldn't feel like owning a pet would be cruel and unnatural punishment for the poor animal.
It all seems straight forward, until I realise that I'm going to have to compromise on something in order to fit in with my budget. Then I spiral into a pool of self-doubt and constant questioning.
Do I want to compromise on the condition of the house and fix it up? Do I have the money for that? Do I want to compromise on the proximity to work? Do I want to compromise on the size of the yard? If I'm compromising on the size of the yard anyway, do I even want a house, or should I get a unit or townhouse where my money will give me more bang for my buck? Do I want to spend that kind of money on a unit? In this town, where units are almost impossible to sell?
And should I be looking at something just because I can afford it, or hold out for something that feels like home?
So I find myself stuck in a loop where I question my very existence and end up asking myself "why do I even want a house/unit anyway" (I can't remember if I ever had a good answer for that), "do I want to tie myself to this town by buying it here" (sometimes yes, sometimes no), "is anything I look at worth that kind of money and being in debt for so long" (hell no)...
... and somehow that keeps dragging me down to "what do I want out of life" to which my answer is, maddeningly, "I don't know, I've never known, and whenever I ask myself that question I start feeling pointless and adrift in life, so stop asking already."
Part of me would like to just say "seeya, suckers!" take the money I've saved for a deposit and go buy a caravan to live an itinerant life. Or a cabin in the woods - in Estonia.
Part of me is saying "but what will become of you? What will you be when you grow up? Will you ever grow up?"
I don't know the answers to these questions. All I know is I don't want to buy a crappy house for the sake of buying a house. And I don't want to put myself into so much debt that I have no freedom to do anything, just for the sake a buying a non-crappy house.
And yet, part of me is just longing for a place that is genuinely "mine" - somewhere that I can fix things or change things based on how I think they should be. The way I'm feeling at the moment, though, it will be a long, long time before I get that.
