This is going to be a bit of tough love, where I tell you things that sound a bit sucky but are actually quite true and liberating, once you wrap your head around them. These are things I’ve had to look at in myself (and have to revisit occasionally), but I’m writing this because I think they are things you might need to hear. If you think I’ve written this post with you in mind, then it’s entirely possible you *do* need to hear them.
Please keep in mind that I’m not a counsellor or therapist or any kind of authority on the matter. I’m also going to be covering a few points, and maybe they won’t all resonate with you (or maybe some of them will sneak up on you later). Take what you will.1. Nobody owes you anything.
This is one of the “slogans” I work with all the time - I find it helps me when I’m beginning to feel resentful about the way other people aren’t acting the way I thought they would. I firmly believe this is one of the first steps towards leading a happy life.
Nobody owes you anything. Nobody owes you love, or affection, or acceptance, or friendship, or respect... It doesn’t matter who they are or what their relationship to you might be, they don’t owe you anything. Nothing you can say or do or be can lead to a quid-pro-quo arrangement where they have to like, accept or respect you in return. This is a cold, hard truth, but we don’t like to believe it. We like to believe that someone owes us something. That person should like me because of X. The universe owes me a good turn now because of Y, so that person should be the person I expected them to be...
No. It’s not a given. Nobody owes you anything.
Expecting anything you aren’t owed is a sure-fire path to feeling miserable (and remember, you aren't owed anything). You feel like something is being withheld from you, or denied to you. You feel resentful about not getting something you feel you should be getting. Resentment is an insidious, bubbling sort of anger that simmers beneath the surface and colours everything interaction you have with that person and anyone who reminds you of that person. It’s a poison - pure and simple. It can grow inside you in a way that spills out into all sorts of areas of your life and makes you a resentful person. A resentful person is an angry person, which creates something of a vicious cycle (after all, if nobody owed you affection or respect in the first place, how can you expect them to give it willingly to a resentful, angry person?).
BUT! If you know that nobody owes you anything - if you don’t expect anything from anyone - then you are indifferent when you don’t get it (which leads to equanimity), or pleasantly surprised and grateful when you do (which leads to joy).
This is great on its own merits. It’s a wonderful thing to live in a world where you strike a balance between equanimity and joy and the actions and attitudes of others either don’t matter or are a lovely bonus. However, there’s another reason why you need to remember nobody owes you anything: so you don’t go around assuming they are doing wrong by you because they aren’t doing what you hoped.
If you’ve ever found yourself habitually thinking negative thoughts about other people (either specific people or just other people in general), it’s probably resentment speaking - a deep feeling that you have been wronged, and the person/people who wronged you are bastards. That general, nagging sense that nobody appreciates you for who you are or nobody is treating you right comes from a place of feeling owed something you aren’t getting.
Nobody owes you anything.
2. Nobody is going to validate you.
If you don’t like yourself very much (and I’m pretty sure you don’t, based on what you’ve said about yourself and how you talk about others), then you won’t find someone who likes you for “who you really are”. “Who you really are” is someone you’re trying to avoid - how the heck is anyone else going to even meet that person without seeing all of the negative baggage you’ve saddled them with? You’ll constantly introduce other people to versions of yourself that are designed to hide “who you really are”, so it can’t be a surprise when they see “who you really are” as someone who hides things from them and tries to present themselves as someone other than “who they really are”. That’s a really hard thing to like you for.
We all do this, though. We all instinctively try to find someone who can be a mirror that shows us a version of ourselves we can feel good about. “Well, she likes me for who I am, so I must be worth liking.” Oh, that is such a nasty trap to lead yourself into - basing your self worth on what value you think others give you. No wonder you feel resentful when they don’t give you the acceptance, affection and respect you wish you were owed. And no wonder you try to protect yourself by assuming it’s because they’re all playing you, and not because you aren’t playing your cards squarely.
You can’t expect other people to like you for who you are if you don’t really know who that is and you haven’t made peace with that person.
You need to spend time getting to know yourself - not in terms of “good and bad” or “desirable (to other people) or undesirable”, but in terms of “healthy or unhealthy” and “things you’re proud of and things you’re not proud of”.
If you can sit with yourself and notice when you are doing something that is unhealthy or that you’re not proud of and simply try to change that behaviour so that (slowly but surely) you start to replace the unhealthy thoughts and actions with healthier ones and the things you aren’t proud of with things you are proud of (or at least could be) - not for anyone else but for yourself - then you will build a genuine version of yourself you might actually like.
And then - and this is the bit that borders on alchemy - when you are okay with yourself, you’ll stop caring if other people like you enough to prove you are worth liking, and you won’t give others that power to hurt you. A power, by the way, that they didn’t ask for and a hurt that they aren’t responsible for - it’s all your choices that put you in this position and lead you to the hurt.
Nobody is going to validate you, and nobody wants to validate you. No one wants the pressure of being the person who gives someone else their sense of self-worth.
You need to build a version of “who you really are” that you’re okay with, so you no longer need the validation.
Which leads to:
3. People who don’t want you aren’t there to be pursued.
(And people who want to leave you are better off let go, but that’s another story).
We need to get rid of this godawful narrative that saturates our music and movies and books that says someone who doesn’t want what you’re offering is a prize you need to win through persistence. The outcome you want with another person isn’t something you are owed just because you want it.
If someone doesn’t want what you’re offering, don’t keep following them around pushing it at them until they change their mind. Sure, if it works it will make a great story to tell your grandkids, but if it doesn’t work (and it probably won’t), you’re just a) giving them the power to hurt you over and over again, and b) getting kind of creepy.
This is a real problem a lot of men in particular have, to be honest. They think they are being romantic and “holding the line” in some grand gesture, but in reality they’re just not listening. It’s more dangerous for men, but women do it too. It’s a dumbass move regardless.
You need to pay attention to what is happening in the relationship you’re actually in, not push on trying to create the relationship you hope you can replace it with. If someone tells you they don’t want what you’re offering, listen to them. If you genuinely don’t want to offer them something else, then cut your losses and move on. The “right one for you” is the person who is “for you” in the same way and to the same extent that you are for them. When you both want the same relationship (whether a friendship or something more), then you’ve got a relationship. When you’re pushing something at them that they’ve made it clear they don’t want, then you’ve got a problem. If you keep trying to manipulate the situation to come around to the outcome you want, then you’re engaging in behaviour that isn’t healthy.
Sometimes the best thing you can do to build healthy relationships with the people in your life is to let go of what you hoped for and just face what is - and if it isn’t something you want, then shake hands, say “no harm, no foul” (and believe it) and remember that you’re way better off having dodged a bullet.
If someone doesn’t want what you’re offering, don’t keep following them around pushing it at them until they change their mind. Sure, if it works it will make a great story to tell your grandkids, but if it doesn’t work (and it probably won’t), you’re just a) giving them the power to hurt you over and over again, and b) getting kind of creepy.
This is a real problem a lot of men in particular have, to be honest. They think they are being romantic and “holding the line” in some grand gesture, but in reality they’re just not listening. It’s more dangerous for men, but women do it too. It’s a dumbass move regardless.
You need to pay attention to what is happening in the relationship you’re actually in, not push on trying to create the relationship you hope you can replace it with. If someone tells you they don’t want what you’re offering, listen to them. If you genuinely don’t want to offer them something else, then cut your losses and move on. The “right one for you” is the person who is “for you” in the same way and to the same extent that you are for them. When you both want the same relationship (whether a friendship or something more), then you’ve got a relationship. When you’re pushing something at them that they’ve made it clear they don’t want, then you’ve got a problem. If you keep trying to manipulate the situation to come around to the outcome you want, then you’re engaging in behaviour that isn’t healthy.
Sometimes the best thing you can do to build healthy relationships with the people in your life is to let go of what you hoped for and just face what is - and if it isn’t something you want, then shake hands, say “no harm, no foul” (and believe it) and remember that you’re way better off having dodged a bullet.
