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| Photo by Juan Rumimpunu on Unsplash |
This is something I noticed I was doing a while ago. I try to do it less these days, but I still catch myself doing it occasionally.
And, of course, once I noticed that I was doing it, I started seeing people all around me doing it too. I could quite clearly see that they were doing this harmful thing to themselves that I had been doing to myself, but I also know from my own experience that there is no point in telling someone that this is what they're doing. This is because we can't be told - we have to notice it for ourselves.
If someone tried to point out to me that I was hurting myself, I would have come up with a thousand excuses for why that wasn't the case. I would dig my heels in and double down - determined that I was doing the right thing, and refusing to accept any alternative.
I can't tell you that you are doing this (even if I can see that you are), I can only ask an open question in an hypothetical kind of way and hope that you ask yourself this question, and answer yourself honestly in your quiet moments when there's nobody around (so you don't feel you need to save face).
Are you hurting yourself to punish others?
Think about the pain points in your life right now - the ones that involve other people. Your work, your family, your relationships, your interactions with certain businesses or random people on the internet.
Think about the things that are causing you pain, inconvenience or problems. The things that are hampering your ability to do what you want to do or need to do.
Now, ask yourself if these pain points are currently more painful than they would be if you weren't "taking the high ground" - or whatever you want to call it.
Is it possible that you are holding onto a hurt in the hope that the person who is "responsible" for it realises they've done you wrong and feels terrible about it? Could it be that you are making things worse for yourself in the vain hope that someone else tries harder to make it better?
What bridges are you burning to show Them that they should have tried harder to fix those bridges?
What things are you cutting yourself off from because They should have done better, and you're not going to reward their poor behaviour by ignoring it and making a decent fist of things regardless?
You might not notice that you're doing this. It's hard to spot the first time, but the more you notice it the more obvious it becomes. I still catch myself doing something (or rather, not doing something), and in a position where I need to say:
"Okay, yes the company I'm dealing is definitely in the wrong, but I'm not talking to the company, I'm talking to a person who's just trying to do their job, and I'm getting demanding and obnoxious about this, which is not going to put them on my side so they want to help me and fix this."
Or:
"Sharon, you're wallowing in something that person did, but you're the one choosing to hold onto it. You're making this situation untenable, not them."
Or:
"Sharon, you're punishing those people for not offering you what you want by not taking what they are offering, even though it's better than nothing - this hurts you more than it hurts them."
And that's the test.
You look at the pain points, you look at how you're responding to the pain points and what you're doing about them, and you ask yourself: "is what I'm doing in this situation the thing that's hurting or hindering me?"
Yes, sometimes we need to fight the good fight, stand up for something and/or get the hell out of dodge if it's a bad situation. But before you go off with your guns blazing, make sure you don't shoot yourself in the foot. Take the time to think about whether the way you're going about it is having a negative impact, and see if there's an alternative way to deal with this situation that doesn't result in you setting your own hair on fire (or letting your hair keep burning because that's the course of action you've taken, dammit, and this is how it has to be).
Could you start handling this situation with more... grace? Choose to be the "bigger person" instead of taking the "higher ground"?(*)
Oh, and please stop assuming that just because you've started something you have to see it through. You can put the fire out if you realise setting it ablaze was a bad move. You can rebuild bridges. You can change your mind and change your tactics.
And, above all, you can say to yourself "I don't have to hold onto this."
Because, here's the thing - life is unbelievably short and we are incredibly fragile. We don't have much time left. How much of it do you want to spend stewing over this?
And the world is just so much better when you're not adding more negative energy into the mix.
(*) Having said that, I need to point out that "choosing to be the bigger person" isn't really grace - it's a crutch. It's better than "taking the higher ground", but it still nurses a hurt. The better option is to remember that we are all disappointing failures who have hurt or offended other people, cut them off in traffic, or let them down in some other way. If everyone was made to feel "suitably sorry" for what they'd done, we'd all be miserable. We all need and want grace - forgiveness, understanding, mercy. The best way to stop hurting yourself by punishing others is to remember how much grace you hope to be given, and give it to others.
