All things must come to an end

Well, my grandmother finally ran out of space to fall.

She slipped into a coma on Monday night and died Tuesday morning.

We've got a lot of the family coming up today for the funeral tomorrow. I think it's going to be an interesting day.

I cried a bit when she died, and I was a bit at a loss for what to do with myself for the rest of the day, but I seem to be fairly unfazed, generally speaking. I don't know if it's because I'm going to be hit by some serious grief stuff later on, or if it's because I've eked out my grief over the years.

It's more of a shock for the family members who weren't based here, seeing her regularly for the past couple of years. Those of us who lived with her have been watching her die for some time now. In essence, she hasn't "just died", she's just stopped dying.

My mother's in the same boat. She hasn't cried yet and has managed to successfully keep herself busy with looking after everything. You can tell she's not sure what she feels, and she's a bit weirded out by it all.

It's hard to know how to feel about something like this. We've been expecting it, waiting for it, praying for it for years. This is something we wanted to happen, something we're actually relieved about, but we still know, on some level, that it's a sad and unfortunate thing.

Over the past year I have found myself actually angry about her continued existence. I loved my grandmother, and I didn't want her to be in so much pain for so long - and I knew she wouldn't have been if it wasn't part of our culture to keep people alive long after they've stopped living.

She should have died a year ago, when she got that infection. Instead, some doctor swooped in at the last minute, "saved her life" and probably felt good about it. Never mind the fact that it was too little, too late, and what they had left her with could hardly be called a life. It was an existence, and it was cruel and pointless.

So, yeah, my grandmother's death two days ago was a blessing. Something longed for and looked forward to. And I'm still not sure what I feel about it all.

I probably won't be for a while yet.

"She should have died hereafter; There would have been time for such a word."