Letting Go.

(originally emailed 24 October 2007)

A couple of weeks ago I had one of those cathartic thingies where you take stock of your emotional baggage and decide to leave some of it behind.

There was something in particular that I realised I didn't need to hold onto any more. It wasn't necessarily bad or good (in many ways it was actually quite positive), but I realised it definitely belonged in the past, so I let it go.

It was strange how much lighter I felt as a result of this. It wasn't like I had lost a heavy burden (I didn't really regard it as a burden), so that I felt relieved of a weight... more like I had let go of a balloon and watching it fly off made me feel just a little bit uplifted.

It was a perfectly amicable parting of the ways.

The other night, though, I realised something I hadn't noticed at the time. The thing which I had let fly off quite happily was actually attached to some other things that I'm not sure if I was ready to give up just yet. There was more than one balloon attached to that string, and when I let go of one thing I accidentally let go of the others as well.

I'm not sure how I feel about that, because they were hopes. I had let go of a hope I didn't think I needed any more, but the other hopes that went with it were for things I think I should still hope for. I have this strange 'nothing' feeling sitting where those hopes used to be.

It's not like I've lost hope for those things, or had my hopes dashed (both of which would result in feeling something, even if it was painful and negative). I just don't have any hopes for those things right now.

I don't feel sad about loosing them, but I also don't feel happy about it. I feel... odd. I feel like I should feel something and I can't work out why I don't.

A lot of the anxiety that went hand-in-hand with the fear that those hopes would never be fulfilled (or would be dashed) has gone away, which is a positive thing. On the other hand, on an intellectual level I know that those hopes were for good things, things everyone hopes for, and I should feel depressed about not hoping for them any more. I don't feel depressed about it, though, and I wonder if I should feel depressed about that.

Maybe I'll find a new reason to hope for them again. I don't know.