Plastic Fantastic: or "It's Brass, Jim, but not as we know it"

So, I bought the ZO Next Generation ABS Trumpet, ("Screaming green"), and it arrived in the mail yesterday. I really like it, which is potentially a problem.

You see, I secretly harbour a desire to own an entire brass band (well, the instruments, not the people), but have been kept from doing so because it's really quite expensive to buy actual brass instruments and I'm pretty rubbish at playing them.

Plastic "brass", on the other hand...

The first brass instrument I ever bought was a fifth-hand cornet, which I taught myself to play. When I joined a band programme to get "proper" lessons, the guy told me I'm not suited to higher brass and issued me a baritone horn. 

The barry is a nice sounding instrument (a baritone is to a euphonium what a trumpet is to a cornet – a "brighter" instrument in the same register), but if you are the kind of person who struggles to keep time, it's one of the worst instruments to play in a brass band, simply because it's almost always grace notes and filler. I've previously described Second Baritone as being the fourth finger on the left hand of a piano player. I can't handle a six-bar-and-three-quaver rest and then coming in for a few notes of harmony. It just doesn't work – especially when practicing on my own at home.

So after some tooing and frowing, I realised playing in a band was not for me.

In a fit of "I have too many instruments I don't play", I sold my cornet. But I missed having brass in my life, so I bought a third-hand alto/tenor horn. Which sounds just lovely. I think, honestly, of all the brass band instruments, the Eb alto/tenor horn has the most beautiful sound (closely followed by it's higher saxhorn sibling, the flugelhorn). There's something utterly gorgeous about instruments in that register. Think of it as being like an F French horn, only you play it like a trumpet (and it's ever-so-slightly deeper).

But it's not something I can just leave lying around. You can't just leave a brass instrument "out", because it's not good for it. When I'm not playing it, I have to put it away. In a bag, in a cupboard. Which means it largely doesn't exist. It's a rare and special event when I both remember I have this instrument and have the urge to pull it out and play it.

A little while ago, as part of an experiment, I bought a jHorn. This is a bizarre plastic monstrosity that is smaller and lighter than a trumpet but the same pitch as a barry or a euphonium (and you can change it from Bb to C, if you so desire).

Nuvo's jHorn comes in several colours that will get dirty far too quickly, and black.

The jHorn is an interesting bindingle of a thing, in that it's kind of like playing the bagpipes, but in "brass" form. If you've ever tried playing the bagpipes, you'll know what I mean – it's a blunt instrument that requires a lot of control to play well.

The mouthpiece it comes with gives you three options, all of which are terrible, and the horn itself makes you work to keep your note steady. It's marketed for children because it's actually compact, light, hard to damage and pretty quiet. I can play the jHorn in my living room at night-time without a mute and have no fear about disturbing the neighbours, which is why I bought it.

However, it's a real challenge to play "not horribly". As someone who plays at the standard of a fifth-grader who just started learning to play a few months ago, I expect most children would really struggle with it.

But, it works. I can leave it lying around my living room, pick it up whenever I feel like it, have a bit of a play, feel I'm actually improving (by virtue of practicing more often, I guess – who knew?) and feel completely relaxed about the whole thing. So I play this godawful contraption far more often than I ever practiced my actual brass instruments.

After much umming and ahhing, I decided to give the ZO instruments a try. I've been eyeing off the plastic euphonium* for some time, but I've been hesitant to spend too much money on something that might be, well, crap. The jHorn only cost me $250, so I don't mind that it's a bit terrible. Yes, $700 is considerably cheaper than the $3000-ish it would cost me to by a real euphonium, but it's also not money I want to spend on something I'll never use because I hate it.

Well, I found a place that was selling the ZO trumpet for a little over $200 and thought it was as good a chance as any to see what the ZO ABS instruments were like. And... I like it. I feel like the biggest problem with the instrument is the person playing it, which is a really good thing.

But it's also a really bad thing, because ZO has all of the concert brass instruments in the Next Generation series. None of the Eb jobbies you get in a brass band, just the Bb numbers you'd find in a concert band, including a double French Horn. And they are significantly cheaper than buying the brass versions of these instruments...

If these people come out with a sousaphone, I don't think I'll be able to stop myself.

*If I ever go back in time and start a garage band in the 90s, I'm going to call it Plastic Euphonium.