Plastic Fantastic: or "It's Brass, Jim, but not as we know it"

So, I bought the ZO Next Generation ABS Trumpet, ("Screaming green"), and it arrived in the mail yesterday. I really like it, which is potentially a problem.

You see, I secretly harbour a desire to own an entire brass band (well, the instruments, not the people), but have been kept from doing so because it's really quite expensive to buy actual brass instruments and I'm pretty rubbish at playing them.

Plastic "brass", on the other hand...

The first brass instrument I ever bought was a fifth-hand cornet, which I taught myself to play. When I joined a band programme to get "proper" lessons, the guy told me I'm not suited to higher brass and issued me a baritone horn. 

The barry is a nice sounding instrument (a baritone is to a euphonium what a trumpet is to a cornet – a "brighter" instrument in the same register), but if you are the kind of person who struggles to keep time, it's one of the worst instruments to play in a brass band, simply because it's almost always grace notes and filler. I've previously described Second Baritone as being the fourth finger on the left hand of a piano player. I can't handle a six-bar-and-three-quaver rest and then coming in for a few notes of harmony. It just doesn't work – especially when practicing on my own at home.

So after some tooing and frowing, I realised playing in a band was not for me.

In a fit of "I have too many instruments I don't play", I sold my cornet. But I missed having brass in my life, so I bought a third-hand alto/tenor horn. Which sounds just lovely. I think, honestly, of all the brass band instruments, the Eb alto/tenor horn has the most beautiful sound (closely followed by it's higher saxhorn sibling, the flugelhorn). There's something utterly gorgeous about instruments in that register. Think of it as being like an F French horn, only you play it like a trumpet (and it's ever-so-slightly deeper).

But it's not something I can just leave lying around. You can't just leave a brass instrument "out", because it's not good for it. When I'm not playing it, I have to put it away. In a bag, in a cupboard. Which means it largely doesn't exist. It's a rare and special event when I both remember I have this instrument and have the urge to pull it out and play it.

A little while ago, as part of an experiment, I bought a jHorn. This is a bizarre plastic monstrosity that is smaller and lighter than a trumpet but the same pitch as a barry or a euphonium (and you can change it from Bb to C, if you so desire).

Nuvo's jHorn comes in several colours that will get dirty far too quickly, and black.

The jHorn is an interesting bindingle of a thing, in that it's kind of like playing the bagpipes, but in "brass" form. If you've ever tried playing the bagpipes, you'll know what I mean – it's a blunt instrument that requires a lot of control to play well.

The mouthpiece it comes with gives you three options, all of which are terrible, and the horn itself makes you work to keep your note steady. It's marketed for children because it's actually compact, light, hard to damage and pretty quiet. I can play the jHorn in my living room at night-time without a mute and have no fear about disturbing the neighbours, which is why I bought it.

However, it's a real challenge to play "not horribly". As someone who plays at the standard of a fifth-grader who just started learning to play a few months ago, I expect most children would really struggle with it.

But, it works. I can leave it lying around my living room, pick it up whenever I feel like it, have a bit of a play, feel I'm actually improving (by virtue of practicing more often, I guess – who knew?) and feel completely relaxed about the whole thing. So I play this godawful contraption far more often than I ever practiced my actual brass instruments.

After much umming and ahhing, I decided to give the ZO instruments a try. I've been eyeing off the plastic euphonium* for some time, but I've been hesitant to spend too much money on something that might be, well, crap. The jHorn only cost me $250, so I don't mind that it's a bit terrible. Yes, $700 is considerably cheaper than the $3000-ish it would cost me to by a real euphonium, but it's also not money I want to spend on something I'll never use because I hate it.

Well, I found a place that was selling the ZO trumpet for a little over $200 and thought it was as good a chance as any to see what the ZO ABS instruments were like. And... I like it. I feel like the biggest problem with the instrument is the person playing it, which is a really good thing.

But it's also a really bad thing, because ZO has all of the concert brass instruments in the Next Generation series. None of the Eb jobbies you get in a brass band, just the Bb numbers you'd find in a concert band, including a double French Horn. And they are significantly cheaper than buying the brass versions of these instruments...

If these people come out with a sousaphone, I don't think I'll be able to stop myself.

*If I ever go back in time and start a garage band in the 90s, I'm going to call it Plastic Euphonium.

Adventures in buying new crap

So, I've been on a bit of a spending spree at present.

I do this thing where I look at things but don't buy them for quite a considerable amount of time, and then suddenly realise I've been thinking about buying something for years, and go "You know what?  Let's just have this thing".  And then it's kind of like breaking the seal, only with less drinking.

It started with a bicycle.  I stumbled across a sale and decided to go ahead and buy that Strida I've been staring at for years.  Sadly, it's a bit disappointing.  On almost every measure possible, it's not as good as the Brompton.  It doesn't fold as well as the Brompton, it doesn't handle as well as the Brompton, it's not as easy to tuck away in the corner of a room as the Brompton, it's not as easy to adjust the seat height like you can with the Brompton, it doesn't have a built-in kickstand function like the Brompton...

That's not to say it's completely sub-par.  It does do at least two things better than the Brompton:  It provides a more upright angle for riding, so it's easier on the back than the Brompton is, and it fits into a guitar stand.  The Brompton does go in the guitar stand, but it's not something I'd do again in a hurry.  No, seriously, I keep the Strida in a guitar stand.  My banjo is feeling decidedly unloved.

 

 I have to say that, if I had an ongoing back injury or complaint, I'd probably think the Strida was one of the best bikes on the planet.  Instead, what I have is a slight problem with getting the stupid magnetic clamp to work.  Either it's so strong I can't separate the wheels, or it's so week it comes apart at a moment's provocation.

Just work you stupid bicycle.  The Brompton can keep its act together.

Oh, well.  At least it's giving me the opportunity to use the Carradice seat bag I bought to go touring with the Brompton and never used.

Other recent purchases include a Buck Lancer knife, which I bought for the purpose of teaching myself to whittle.  I bought this knife because one of the whittling books I borrowed from the library had it listed as a decent whittling knife.  My research was a bit poor, though, because nothing I saw gave me a really good sense if just how small it is.  It's a tiny, slender little thing.  Folded up, it's roughly the same size as my pinky finger.

I haven't tried whittling with it yet.  Partly because that requires me to actually get my act together, and partly because I'm slightly wary of it's size, now that I've held it in my hands.  I would have preferred something a bit more substantial in the grip.

Last, but not least, my Alto/Tenor horn arrived today.  A second hand jobby that's probably twice my age, I've bought this instrument because it was cheap.  After months of wondering whether to get a French Horn, a Baritone Horn, a Euphonium or a Sousaphone, I've finally settled on an Eb horn simply because I liked the price better than everything else I was looking at.

I've had a bit of a play, and I don't mind the sound of the thing at all.  The case is a complete wreck, though.  I knew it was going to be a bit spartan, but I didn't realise it was going to be so beat up.  And it smells a bit.  I'd say the last owner was a smoker.

Smokers shouldn't play wind instruments.  If you are a smoker, and you play an instrument that produces wind in any way shape or form, you need to stop being a smoker.  It spreads your bad breath to all future owners of that instrument for generations to come.

I once had a second-hand accordion that had been owned by a smoker, and that thing just pumped the smell of stale tobacco into the air every time you used it.  Highly unpleasant.

Besides, smoking is bad for your everything.

Low Brass, and other shiny things

Following on from my last post about brass, I wanted to point out that I actually do have a euphonium hero:  this guy.

Who is he?  Well, he's just some guy, you know?

(Please excuse the Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy quote, sometimes I just can't resist).

 Peter Opaskar is an arranger and a music teacher who gets around the Internet under the name Tuba Peter - and in addition to playing and teaching tubas, euphoniums and baritone horns he also arranges music specifically for low brass instruments.

Euphoniums and tubas are kind of like the double bases and cellos of the brass world.  But, while cellos frequently get to play centre stage, low brass tends to get stuck with the supporting roles.  The really interesting music is usually given to trumpets, cornets and trombones (which are actually in the same range as baritone horns and euphoniums, but for some reason get to come out and play more often).

Tuba Peter arranges music for solos, duets, trios and quartets consisting almost entirely of lower brass.  Imagine a brass quartet consisting of two tubas and two euphoniums.  If you are wondering what that sounds like, the answer is "awesome".

So, he arranges the music for low brass, and then plays all of the parts of an ensemble himself, which admittedly treads a fine line between "that takes a lot of talent" and "don't you have any friends?"

But, yeah, I like what he does and I like the fact that he does it.

Sousaphone by Tyler CC BY SA

I'm still thinking deep thoughts about euphoniums (I've been doing it for years, and will probably do it for years to come).  But I've also been thinking of late about a sousaphone.

This isn't exactly new, either.  I've often looked at sousaphones and though "man, I'd love to play with one of those..."  I just love the look of them.  They are basically tubas, though.  And oddly, I've never really been interested in a tuba.

Show me a tuba, and I'm all like "okay, so that's a tuba."  Wrap it around your body so that it's part instrument and part wearable art, and suddenly I'm all "Ooooh!  Can I have one?"

Brass players are nutjobs

So, I'm learning the baritone horn.

I had intended to learn the cornet/trumpet, but the guy who is teaching me at an exceptionally reasonable rate suggested a baritone would be more suited to me, physically, and since I get to borrow one for free I thought I'd give it a go.

The fact that it uses exactly the same fingering to produce the same notes (within a different octave range) also made it an easy sell.

He was right - it is a better fit. I sound worse than when I was learning the cornet/trumpet because I'm starting again on a new instrument so I have to redevelop technique, but I can produce a larger range of notes without busting a gut. My lips seem better suited to the larger mouthpiece, and I have the lung power to make it work (although I'm going to have to build up some serious intercostal-diaphragmatic muscles to make it work smoothly). Trying to play my pocket trumpet after practicing the baritone for a while is... shall we say "interesting". And I was just starting to get the hang of it, too.

Anyway, having come from playing the piano, recorder and a bit of concertina, I'm having some difficulty wrapping my head around this "transposing instrument" thing that brass has got going on.

In my world, a C is a C. I can handle playing an instrument that is tuned to a different key, as long as I know that when I look at a C on the sheet music and play a C on the instrument, I am actually playing the note that is written, and could therefore play the same music with any other instrument and make the same notes (give or take an octave). The idea that I can look at a C on the sheet music, play what is supposed to be a C on the instrument, but in fact be playing a completely different note is a bit disturbing.

And yet, it seems from my limited research that a heck of a lot of brass instruments play X number of tones above or below what is written. What's the point of that? Surely its just as easy to know what a C actually is on the instrument instead of picking an easier one to hit and saying "this can be C for us"?

Why spend so much time and effort learning to play scales that aren't actually the scales you're playing? Why get to the point where playing the sheet music is a breeze, if it's all a big fat lie?

And, of course, whoever composes brass music knows (somehow) that the cornet is actually playing a Bb instead of a C, while the (French) Horn is actually playing an F instead of a C, while the Tenor Horn is actually playing an Eb instead of a C...

And then, supposedly, when you write for certain instruments in treble clef they are transposing, but when you write for the same instruments in bass clef they are non-transposing - which means the players need to know what a "real" C is anyway so they can play it in the bass clef...

What the heck? How come no one has turned around and said: "Transposing octaves is one thing, but the rest of you are a bunch of nutjobs and should just learn to read the music, dammit!"

I'm trying to work out exactly how I transpose the sheet music in my brain so that I can play the "true" notes when I need them, but my tired little brain is having issues with that...