Excuse me, sir...

I'm having a "sir" day again today.

Every now and then (usually just as I'm starting to feel good about myself), someone calls me "sir", and every scrap of self-esteem I have just goes flying out the window.

Yes, I know it's my own fault. I can't dress the way I dress and expect people to get it right every time. If I only wore more "girly" clothes, did something better with my hair, wore make up and moved with smaller, more delicate actions I would be more readily recognised as a woman.

I just... you know... I suck at looking like a girl. I always have. I'm too tall, too broad-shouldered, too flat-chested. My jaw is too square, my feet are too large, my arms are too long and my hands are too big. The nice "girly" clothes only look good on the nice "girly" figures - and I just don't have one of those.

At the back of my mind, I've always worried that, if I tried to wear more "girly" clothes, I'd probably just look ridiculous at best. At worst, I'd probably look like a drag queen. I have no natural grace and beauty, and trying to wear pretty, delicate clothes would just highlight my flaws - and I know it.

And, dammit! I just can't bring myself to wear clothes that are uncomfortable, impractical and flimsy just because they're more gender appropriate. The feminist in me combines with the base functionalist in me and refuses to wear second-rate, substandard clothes just because, as a woman, I'm not entitled to wear clothes that are designed for comfort, movement and durability. You know women's clothes are just designed to keep us out of the way, right?

So, yes, I tend to wear men's shoes because my feet are big and wide and women's shoes are uncomfortably narrow. And, yes, I tend to wear men's T-Shirts because fitted T-shirts feel awkward and constricting on someone with broad shoulders. And, yes, I tend to wear men's jackets because the sleeves are actually long enough to cover my long arms and the pockets are better. So much better. The pockets they put in women's clothes suck.

I try to compensate for it by choosing styles that are as close to unisex as possible and colours that could be feminine, but that doesn't seem to make a difference. I also wear women's pants, but as I tend to go for the sensible styles, no one seems to notice. Same with the women's shirts I wear to work - too practical and "functional" to fully counteract the fact that I'm big and ugly and I look like a man.

Actually, I have to confess - I don't always wear women's pants. I tend to wear men's cycling shorts when I'm on the bike because they have better pockets.

Hell, I'm even growing my hair long so that, when people make snap judgements based on stereotypical visual cues, folks "mistake" me for a woman because I've got long hair, instead of mistaking me for a man because I'm wearing a comfortable T-shirt.

It doesn't seem to be helping, though. Just when I'm feeling good about myself and comfortable in my own skin - even while I'm riding high on a compliment that I look good after loosing weight, someone says "excuse me, sir", and everything comes crashing down. It's even worse when they do it while I actually am wearing women's clothes.

Yeah, I know the fact that I don't look like a girl means I can get away with things other girls can't (like riding a bike solo through another country), and there are times that I feel my androgynous appearance gives me a greater sense of personal security, but still...

I'm probably going to cop more of it tonight. I'm going out, but I'm staying at a friend's place and the only clothes I have to wear are unisex in nature. *Sigh*