Excuse me, sir...

I'm having a "sir" day again today.

Every now and then (usually just as I'm starting to feel good about myself), someone calls me "sir", and every scrap of self-esteem I have just goes flying out the window.

Yes, I know it's my own fault. I can't dress the way I dress and expect people to get it right every time. If I only wore more "girly" clothes, did something better with my hair, wore make up and moved with smaller, more delicate actions I would be more readily recognised as a woman.

I just... you know... I suck at looking like a girl. I always have. I'm too tall, too broad-shouldered, too flat-chested. My jaw is too square, my feet are too large, my arms are too long and my hands are too big. The nice "girly" clothes only look good on the nice "girly" figures - and I just don't have one of those.

At the back of my mind, I've always worried that, if I tried to wear more "girly" clothes, I'd probably just look ridiculous at best. At worst, I'd probably look like a drag queen. I have no natural grace and beauty, and trying to wear pretty, delicate clothes would just highlight my flaws - and I know it.

And, dammit! I just can't bring myself to wear clothes that are uncomfortable, impractical and flimsy just because they're more gender appropriate. The feminist in me combines with the base functionalist in me and refuses to wear second-rate, substandard clothes just because, as a woman, I'm not entitled to wear clothes that are designed for comfort, movement and durability. You know women's clothes are just designed to keep us out of the way, right?

So, yes, I tend to wear men's shoes because my feet are big and wide and women's shoes are uncomfortably narrow. And, yes, I tend to wear men's T-Shirts because fitted T-shirts feel awkward and constricting on someone with broad shoulders. And, yes, I tend to wear men's jackets because the sleeves are actually long enough to cover my long arms and the pockets are better. So much better. The pockets they put in women's clothes suck.

I try to compensate for it by choosing styles that are as close to unisex as possible and colours that could be feminine, but that doesn't seem to make a difference. I also wear women's pants, but as I tend to go for the sensible styles, no one seems to notice. Same with the women's shirts I wear to work - too practical and "functional" to fully counteract the fact that I'm big and ugly and I look like a man.

Actually, I have to confess - I don't always wear women's pants. I tend to wear men's cycling shorts when I'm on the bike because they have better pockets.

Hell, I'm even growing my hair long so that, when people make snap judgements based on stereotypical visual cues, folks "mistake" me for a woman because I've got long hair, instead of mistaking me for a man because I'm wearing a comfortable T-shirt.

It doesn't seem to be helping, though. Just when I'm feeling good about myself and comfortable in my own skin - even while I'm riding high on a compliment that I look good after loosing weight, someone says "excuse me, sir", and everything comes crashing down. It's even worse when they do it while I actually am wearing women's clothes.

Yeah, I know the fact that I don't look like a girl means I can get away with things other girls can't (like riding a bike solo through another country), and there are times that I feel my androgynous appearance gives me a greater sense of personal security, but still...

I'm probably going to cop more of it tonight. I'm going out, but I'm staying at a friend's place and the only clothes I have to wear are unisex in nature. *Sigh*

The Craziest Person Gets Right of Way

I think there should be a new traffic law introduced:

The most demonstrably crazy person gets right of way.

Now, I think I'm justified in thinking that person could very well be the nut-case riding a bicycle in peak-hour traffic during a monsoonal downpour.

Surely, if anyone is willing to get on a bicycle and ride through town even though it's been raining furiously for days, then they deserve a clear berth, right?

It makes sense to me. But then, I'm the kind of crazy person who rides a bike to work during monsoonal weather...

Which leads me to the jacket. I foolishly bought a "spray jacket" last year (because it was on sale), and I've been wearing it whilst riding in the rain these past few weeks.

Thing was, I had already worked out that spray jackets were largely useless garments. I mean, they only protect you from a light spray of water, and then only if the material isn't actually touching anything. Should it touch your clothing or your skin, then you may as well be wearing a garment made from fishnets.

I knew this about spray jackets. I knew that they would not provide any protection from the elements that couldn't be provided by any old shirt. And yet, I bought it - specifically to wear while it was raining.

I tell myself it's because it's bright yellow, has reflective bits and dries quickly, which makes it useful in gloomy, rainy conditions, even if it doesn't provide any protection from the rain. I tell myself that I'm going to change my clothes anyway, so it doesn't matter if I get thoroughly drenched. I tell myself that it makes me look as if I'm meant to be out in the rain, instead of being caught unawares, which must surely give me a bit of cred...

The truth is, I want it to be a raincoat. I really want this thing to keep the rain at bay, at least for a little while. I know it won't, but I want it to. I'm always annoyed and disappointed when I get wet from the slightest spray while wearing it.

Why does it exist? Why does it offer the illusory promise of protection from the elements, when it will not and was never likely to keep that promise?

Why do I buy things that I know will not be useful, even though I find the entire concept of their existence appalling and entirely disagreeable? I'm only encouraging the perpetuation of things that do not deserve to Be. I should be made of sterner stuff.