Year's Mind

Yesterday marked the one-year anniversary of my grandmother's death, and it completely slipped my mind.

The scratched record that masquerades as my brain has been skipping a lot lately, and I have to admit I'd barely noticed it was August, let alone remembered that the fourth of August was the day my grandmother died last year.

I had vaguely remembered her birthday was coming up, and reminded myself that I didn't need to think of a present this year, but the other date slipped my notice completely.

In fact, I wouldn't have noticed it at all except that my mother asked me if I was okay with it. She was worried I might have needed some sympathy or something - and was relieved when it was obvious I had completely failed to notice the significance of the date. We don't really do sympathy in my family. We much prefer to make inappropriate comments and drink tea while switching to more practical conversation topics.

We got this somewhat abrupt approach to life from my grandmother, so I doubt she could complain too much if it kicked in on the first anniversary of her death.

Strangely, I had been feeling a weird urge to do something nice for my mother all afternoon. I wanted to buy her flowers or cook a nice dinner or something. For no real reason, or so I thought, I just wanted to make her feel noticed. In the end, I only had a couple of hours between work and a study group, and I felt too tired to go out of my way for the flowers and I only had time to buy take-away for dinner (which was what I was supposed to do anyway).

After my mother reminded me of the date, I wondered whether this urge to do something nice was my subconscious trying to tell me I should have been asking her if she needed sympathy. Lord knows my conscious mind is never that thoughtful; it would be nice to think my subconscious mind has at least some consideration for others.

I have to admit that, even after my mother reminded me of the date, it wasn't so much the loss of my grandmother that struck me as the loss of time. A whole year has passed. It doesn't really seem possible. I guess that's what happens when you don't pay attention.