A Maze

For some years now I've harboured a dream to own a maze complex.

One day, when I'm rich enough to completely indulge in my own eccentricities, I'm going to buy up an old farm and install a couple of mazes. I'm thinking at least one hedge maze (maybe more) and one turf maze, although I'm also tempted to throw in a walled labyrinth as well.

In this complex I'll also have two model villages - one outside, and using real plants and grass to create the effect, and one model railway village inside the same building as the tea house.

Oh, yes, there's going to be a tea house. One that sells traditional Devonshire teas and coconut bread with home-made marmalade. And a plowman's lunch with a selection of cheeses and fresh damper. And maybe Neenish Tarts, because they amuse me.

And there'll be a formal garden, too. The number of mazes I put in will depend entirely on whether or not I have space for the garden. One of those gardens where different sections indulge in different themes, and taking a small detour off the path can lead to a pleasant surprise that you would otherwise have missed. The turf maze will probably be part of this garden.

There will be sculptures hidden all over the complex - birds, animals, characters from children's books and legends - and there will be a game involved. People coming to the maze will have to see if they can spot all of the statues, but they'll be given an incomplete spotter's list. People who find every single statue (bar one) - even the ones that aren't on the list - will get a free icecream from the tea house (home made, of course).

If you find all of the statues on the list, but not all (bar one) of the statues not listed, you'll get your icecream for half-price. And there will be one statue that's so hard to find that anyone who manages to get every single statue in the complex will have their name added to a plaque.

If there's any farmland left over, I'm going to convert part of it into an orchard (apples or oranges, depending on where I am) and let the other part go a bit feral so I can put in a small bush-walk.

I keep thinking about where I'll put this maze complex. For a while I thought it would be great to put it in Waratah in Tasmania. There are actually four maze complexes in Tasmania all ready (five, if you include the little one on Bruny Island), but none of them are on the western side of the state. And, we could probably engage in some sort of referral process. If you visit one maze, they'll encourage you to check out the others...

But while Waratah has always fascinated me, and I think something like this maze would be good for the town, I've always felt it was a nice place to visit, but I wouldn't want to live there. Somewhere closer to Wynyard, perhaps, like Flowerdale, would be more comfortable.

By the way, if you ever go to Tasmania, I thoroughly recommend the Tasmazia complex (inland from Devonport) and the Glengarry Bush Maze (a drive out from Launceston).

My other thought was to put it in north Queensland - specifically somewhere near Paronella Park. The idea being that people vising the Mena Creek/South Johnstone area could spend the morning at the maze and the afternoon at the Park (or vice-versa). I had toyed with the idea of putting it in Germantown because "Germantown Maze" sounds cool, and my model village could be based in Bavaria (which would also be cool).

But it turns out Germantown doesn't exist as much as it could. And, once again, the Mena Creek/South Johnstone area is a nice place to visit, but I wouldn't want to live there. I mean, the closest town is Innisfail, and it takes hours to get anywhere in North Queensland. I'd be better off in Tasmania.

So, at the moment, I'm thinking maybe Viljandi, in Estonia. I haven't spent long in Viljandi, so I may change my mind once I spend more time there, but I didn't mind the place, it's close to pretty much every other town/city in the country (compared to Australian distances), there's a nice lake and I think I'd be the only massive maze complex in the country, which would make it a pretty unique tourist attraction.

I could see a future where the top tourist attractions in Estonia are the Old Town in Tallinn, the Open Air Museums and the Viljandi Mazes.

The only problem with moving my maze concept to Estonia is that it might mess with my mother's retirement plan. In recent years she's gone from "Yeah, yeah. Maze. Whatever" to "I could sell tickets in the tea house". Which could be handy, actually, as it means we could take turns minding the maze while the other one goes off somewhere for the weekend, or something.

But she has previously expressed extreme indifference in the idea of even visiting me, should I move to Europe, so I'm guessing she won't want to shift to Viljandi to run the tea house.