Borrowed energy

I'm currently running on borrowed energy.  Sadly, I'm actually borrowing it from 2010 - specifically the 2010 Oslo Eurovision Song Contest.

I decided, in a weak moment, to buy the Eurovision albums from 2010 and 2011, seeing as I've been using the 2012 album to keep conscious for the past few months, and am starting to worry about the fact that I think I'm beginning to understand the lyrics from the Italian entry (whadaya mean it was in English?  That doesn't seem right...)

The 2011 album was unavailable through the shop I used, and they cancelled my order, but I've been listening to 2010 for the past few days.  If I start muttering "Allez allez allez" in the middle of otherwise normal conversations, or talking about the blue underwear I bought just the other day, you'll know why.

It was actually much better than I remembered.  Mind you, this is coming from someone who is using Europop to stay awake.

I haven't been able to think coherently for more than a few minutes at a time for a while now.  The music helps.  Well, it helps with the task at hand - it's not quite capable of making me remember the other things I have floating around on my lists of things to do.

I have no good reason for being so out of it.  I'm just tired.  I live most of my days backwards, waking up feeling exhausted and then beginning to perk up and get things done just as I should be thinking about going to sleep - and then I hit a point where I know I'm definitely over-tired and I should have gone to sleep hours ago, but for some reason I'm still doing something else.

I'm not alone in this - there are others who have it worse, so I really have nothing to whinge about.  I'm just feeling the effects of what amounts to self-inflicted exhaustion.  I do get at least 5 hours' sleep most nights, so I actually have it pretty sweet for an insomniac.

But I'm tired.  I'm physically tired, and only seem to wake up when I'm moving (and finding it harder every day to actually start moving).  And I'm mentally tired and only seem to be able to keep going when there is some sort of rhythm feeding through my ears.  And I feel tired on a deeper level - I'm tired of trying to figure out what I want from life and coming up empty every single time.  I thought I knew what I wanted earlier in the year, but now I'm back in limbo.  I'm so tired of being in limbo.

And I'm completely resigned to being tired.  When I was younger I used to have these one-sided arguments with God, asking him what stupid lesson I was supposed to learn and why he hated me so much ("for he grants sleep to those he loves" Ps 127:2).  But these days I'm like, "Eh, God hates me.  Whatever."

I spend so much time in this place where nothing moves that I've stopped expecting movement.  I've spent so much time in this place where all I feel is "tired" that I've stopped expecting to feel anything else.

I suppose that sounds depressing.  It doesn't feel depressing.  I've been depressed so I know what depressing feels like, and this isn't it.  I feel happy enough, cheerful on most occasions, just tired and washed out.

So I whistle a happy tune, and it keeps me upright.  I remind myself to keep functioning, and I keep functioning.  I'm just running on music until I can find some reserves.  I must have some somewhere...