Somerset-Sproats

I attended the August meeting of the Royal Saarloos Wolfhond Association of Great Britain in the hope of continuing my interview with the elusive Captain Katherine Twomey-Fosnot.

I had been told by my sources that she rarely missed a meeting, although it was impossible to know if the Captain was even in the same century these days - let alone country.

Suddenly, I heard a voice call out from show grounds:

"Clarabelle! Clarabelle stop that at once! You know you are only supposed to savage grey squirrels!"

I was in luck. Captain Twomey-Fosnot might not have been in sight, but if my sources were correct I had found someone who might be able to answer a few questions for me.

Excuse me, are you Lieutenant-Commander Sabastian Somerset-Sproats?

Eh? What? Maybe I am, boy, what's it to you?

I'm not a boy, sir, I'm --

What's that? Then why are you wearing trousers?

What? They're jeans. Anyway --

Who's Jean, and why should I care if you are wearing his trousers? Why are you wearing his trousers, anyway? Seems like a dashed silly thing to do.

No, I'm not... I'm a reporter for Fictitious Monthly and I was wondering if I might be able to ask you some questions --

Fictitious Monthly? Never read it. It's a load of tosh and balderdash.

Our readers may disagree. Anyway, I was wondering if I could ask you some questions about Captain Katherine Twomey-Fosnot?

Tomey-Fosnot! That jumped up tramp? You know the woman had the gall to join the Australian Infantry just so she could ride a horse all day and call herself a 'captain'? 'Captain' my foot! I'll tell you what she is: she's a little tart who doesn't know the right place for a woman.

I thought you--

You know, she has a nasty habit of wearing trousers, too.

Whatever. I had heard a rumour that the two of you were engaged. I take it this isn't true?

Engaged? Hah! Tosh! I wouldn't touch that woman with a barge pole. I'll tell you something for nothing, young man--

I'm not a--

I wouldn't share the time of day with Twomey-Fosnot if not for that dog of hers. That Jonathan is a fine specimen, and I hope to breed him with my Clarabelle. Can you imagine the litter! A fine pair they would make. Truly fine.

Ah, okay --

I mean, really, me and Twomey-Fosnot! Can you imagine it?

Not really, sir. I'm sure she actually has some sort of class.

Eh? What?

Thank you for your time, sir.

So my attempts to find out more about Captain Twomey-Fosnot's role with the Harris & Byrne Book Detective Agency proved fruitless on this occasion.

I saw some nice Sarloos Wolfhonds, though...