The Merry Spinster

Here's a question: Why are widows merry, but spinsters bitter?

The clichés mention merry widows and gay divorcees, but spinsters are always depicted as being bitter. And wives? Well, brides tend to be blushing or radiant, but wives are usually worn or nagging.

It's as though, in order to be happy, a woman must have a husband, keep him for a little while, but then get rid of him.

I regard myself as a spinster, but I keep getting the bit about being bitter wrong. I think I'm supposed to be all "woe is me, for I am past my prime and still single", but instead I keep thinking about all the things I can do while I'm young(ish) and unburdened by things like husbands, children and mortgages.

I'm not supposed to, I know that. When I was younger I went to the kind of church were young folk were usually married off by the time they hit 22, so I've been dumped squarely in the "old maid" camp for quite a number of years now, and I'm reasonably comfortable here. But, over these past many years, many people around me have made it clear that I'm meant to be trying harder to do the whole getting-married-and-having-kids thing, and I shouldn't feel happy about my life until I've managed to achieve that.

Strangely, I only feel dissatisfied with my "lot" when enough external sources build up. An accumulation of books, television shows, movies and people saying "so, any news on the romantic front?" can make me feel as if I'm doing something wrong and perhaps I really can't be happy...

And, then, the concept of the spinster is so out-of-date that the "patterns" for it don't seem to exist any more. I keep thinking I should do X or Y, and it takes a while before I remember that I don't actually have to. As a spinster I could to T or W instead.

Like buying a house. Every now and then a little voice in the back of my mind will say: "Good Lord, girl! You're 31 and you don't own anything! You need to buy a house, or unit, or something ASAP!" And I'll go through a period of looking for something I can buy to fulfil the "you must own a dwelling place" urge.

Then I remember that I'm the childless spinster daughter of an endowed widow - and an only child at that. Buying houses and owning stuff is part of the expected pattern for people with things like spouses, children and siblings. Me? I'm eventually going to sell whatever I might own so I can move back in with my mother and take care of her in her dotage. Then I'm going to inherit her stuff.

So I don't need to own my own things. Instead of saddling myself with a mountain of debt, I can spend my money on things like study and travel and a ridiculous assortment of bicycles.

I think that's part of my "problem" really. I'm perfectly fine with the idea of gallivanting around the world and amusing myself for as long as I can before fulfilling the spinsterly "obligations" of providing companionship and support for my widowed mother (whom I like, so it's not exactly an onerous obligation - I'm actually looking forward to it), so I'm not in a hurry to find a husband.

I read books, watch TV and talk to people who all adhere to the "you are incomplete, and therefore miserable until you find the Right One" theory, so I know I'm not supposed to be happy. I'm supposed to want to get married and have children, and always feel bitterly disappointed that I haven't done that. I'm supposed to not want to be "stuck" taking care of my parents, and be bitterly disappointed that I'm going to "end up" doing that.

I just can't quite seem to do it. I can pull off being disappointed for an hour, maybe, and then I'm back to looking forward to all the things I can do as a single woman with a secure future. And bitter? Well, maybe I can grow into that when I get old and grumpy. Right now I'm just to phlegmatic to be bitter.

It's not like I'd turn down a husband if I found one I wanted, but not being in a hurry means I don't have to hunt one down at all costs. Besides, according to the same clichés that say I can't be happy as a spinster, apparently I'd have to divorce him or have him killed off before I could really enjoy myself...

In the meantime, I guess I'll keep being the spinster who forgot to be bitter.